War Mule Cartoon

War Mule Cartoon

Chris Matthews Ignores Elephant in Room

Did anyone see the interview Matthews did with Tom De Lay, today? How did he manage, as De Lay sat there and claimed that Democrats don't police their own, to ignore the the fact that the GUY HE WAS INTERVIEWED WAS NOT POLICED BY HIS OWN FOR YEARS? Chris Matthews is such a wussy when someone "important" is on his show.

Is GOP Crop the Best or Worst Ever? It Doesn't Matter

In Townhall, today, Michael Medved tries to put the GOP 2008 Presidential field "in proper perspective" by illustrating how crappy their primary candidates have been in the past. And he's right. This year's group of candidates is the best ever, not the worst, despite the misgivings of Republican Party politicos and ground troops, alike. They exactly represent what the Republican Party is all about and they have experience to make a legitimate run on their party principles.

The problem is not with the candidates, though, it's with the GOP's current condition. The alliance of religious conservatives, cut-throat yuppies, the opulent that yuppies desire to be, anti-gay/black/brown bigots, and nationalists has been broken by their own arrogance. Upon gaining control of all three branches of government in 2005, the GOP thanked these groups but informed them that their services, and expectations, would no longer be needed.

The fact is that Ronald Reagan, at the feet of whom every conservative feels the need to worship, could not get elected in this climate. Religious conservatives will not wage the GOP's ground war for them in 2008, because they feel misunderstood after Terry Schiavo, ashamed after Katrina, and ignored by the Supreme Court appointments of Alito and Roberts. The yuppies see their portfolios in a constant state of flux because of the irresponsible deregulation of finance, and the weakness of the dollar caused by enormous trade and budget deficits to wage a war they only had passing interest in to begin with. And the "Reagan Democrats", now being given hope by Obama and Edwards, will ignore the social ideology that has kept them from finding something better for themselves for two generations.

A waffling Governor, an incompetent celebrity mayor, a war hero trying to refight the war he was held in captivity through, and a career lobbyist who served the highest bidder absolutely are the best GOP field in many years. They accurately represent the true interests of the GOP. The problem is that the brazenness and overreaching of the GOP in 2005 and 2006 has illustrated that fact, and none of those who were swindled for so long will continue to be taken for fools.

How does your boy, W, put it? "Fool me once, shame on... shame on... shame on you. Fool me twice... Fool me, can't get fooled again."

Hillary Clinton Claims She Voted for War Because Bush Is A "Tricksy Hobbit"

George W Bush is stupid. That's what we on the left have maintained is his defining characteristic since he first started pissing us off by executing women, the disabled, and some likely innocent people. It's what's kept our sense of humor in tact over the last 6 years. We joke about it, at dinner parties, coffee shops, barbecues, baseball games, and holiday gatherings.

Sure, Bush has had a few dirty tricksters who could pull out a win in Florida or Ohio, and some guys whose lack of respect for fact has given the public the impression that there's some sort of evil genius behind the curtain. But as far as W is concerned, we think he's a moron, right?

Well, in my mind the only thing that disqualifies you from a position of responsibility more than beind a moron, is being taken by a moron. Hillary Clinton maintains that her vote to authorize military action in Iraq was tricked out of her by the Pwesident.

Invoking Gollum does not score points with me, and it shouldn't for any Democratic primary voter. After 8 years of putting up with a level of stupidity that makes Reagan look like an MIT professor, I don't think our response to that should be to send someone who couldn't get her mind around the true motivations of Texas oilmen.

A lack of intellectual curiosity does not just apply to a fool's refusal to read newspapers or intelligence reports. It also applies to the failure of a presumably smart person to hold onto the well-known facts in lieu of reactionary fantasies about trucks, bunkers, aluminum tubes, and Prague meetings. A moron like W has an excuse for his behavior; his charm (I guess) and family name have been used as a vehicle for things he does not understand. But any Democrat who voted to invade Iraq was simply lazy or afraid, and neither of these are qualities we want in a President.

That Goes Boom #5: Your Trunk Doesn't Go There

In honor of Sen. Larry "Can I Warm That For You" Craig's coming out party, otherwise known as a guilty plea showing up in Roll Call, we're going to go back through the recent sex scandals to undermine the GOP's "Family Values" facade.

The Hard Core Dirties

Ted "Pipe Smokin'" Haggard
Teddy likes pipes. Not only did he go to a gay prostitute, but he smoked meth with him, too. It's hard to do that and maintain your position as a the national leader of a religious group whose uniting political focus is passing judgment on others. As a backer of Amendment 43 in Colorado (to outlaw gay marriage), Ted was apparently concerned that if his male hooker became pregnant, he'd be pressured into marrying him. Amendment 43 was his "out" to keep it casual, I guess.

David "The Hobbyist" Vitters
After doing some research on Johns, I discovered that they like to call themselves "hobbyists". Vitters apparently is one. He was a consistent basher of gays as having been responsible for ruining the institution of marriage. I'm sure none of that 50% divorce rate has anything to do with cheating, or hookers. His phone number came up on the DC madame's list, and he confessed. But when a New Orleans madame handed his ass over to the press, he denied ever using her girls. So after Katrina, he won't even help his home state by pushing the Big Easy's pro lovin'? Talk about abandoning your constituents!

Mark "Time of Your Life" Foley
Had he ever actually achieved his fantasy, the Foley thing would be sooooo not funny. But as it is, we can make fun because the kids who work as pages in the House of Representatives apparently have enough street-smarts not to play "no pants relay racing" down the hallowed halls. Foley's creepy speech on the topic of the page program on the House floor, where he cried a little, is now remembered as the public evidence of what Speaker Dennis Hastert's office was apparently aware of; Mark Foley likes teenage boys. It should be noted that it was also alleged in 1982 that Larry Craig had sex with pages.

Bob "20 Bucks O'Fun" Allen
"I was scared of the guy, so I offered to blow him" is Bob's excuse for soliciting an undercover officer for sex. The cop wasn't even stinging park-trollers, he was hoping to catch a burglar.

Jim "Job Offer" West
Should we speak ill of the dead? Sure. West was the infamous anti-gay mayor of Spokane who offered internships to guys he wanted to screw. He was also alleged to have molested boys as a scout leader in his "young and reckless days". He's dead now, and probably furious that what got him sent to Hell was the molestation, lying, and hate-mongering, not the gay thing.

Duke "Buy Hooker Bonds" Cunningham
We all know Cunningham took bribes from arms manufacturers, like free boats and home purchases at 200% their value. But Duke liked his cherry on top, so the poker games his benefactors set up for him often had hookers for his post-bust liesure.

Jeff "Key at the Front Desk" Gannon
The Talon News guy who had unprecedented access to the Bush White House, including sleepovers, was also a male prostitute. Who was nailing him, in return for all the good press? Rove? McClellan? The twins?

Newt "I Know Where You Can Serve Her" Gingrich
This bastard led the impeachment of Clinton over lying about a BJ. But not only was he a cheater, he actually served his wife with divorce papers while she was hospitalized. Now that's the kind of cold, hard, "national interest" kind of guy the GOP should run for President.

The Softer Side

Lewis "Inmate #28301-016" Libby
The Apprenitice is a book containing scenes of a bear raping a teenage prostitute-to-be, a man wondering if he should screw his freshly killed deer before it cools, and incest. Libby wrote it. Dont' quit your day j.. err, uh, maybe you could go back to school.

Bill "That's What I'm Talkin' About" O'Reilly
Sexual harrasser and author of Those Who Trespass, an adventure of perversion. He's general scum, so it's actually surprising this is it.

Potential Fun

Glenn "Sandman" Murphy, Jr.
The now-former Chairman-elect of the Young Republicans is now TWICE accused of giving unwanted blowjobs to sleeping men. He has resigned, probably realizing that publicity of his habit will make holding all-male sleepovers, his real reason for wanting the job anyways, very difficult.

Jim "Not as Obvious as Foley" Kolbe
This Arizona congressman came out in 1996, after gay rights activists sought to "out" him because of his vote for the DMA. Things went swimmingly for him, considering he was a gay Republican, until the Mark Foley scandal erupted. He claimed to have informed the office supervising the page program of Foley's email activities, but no one can substantiate that. What is substantiated is that he was way too friendly with some of the former pages, especially on a camping trip he took two on in 1996. The DoJ cleared him of any wrongdoing, but then again, he didn't leave any evidence as damning as emails.

Rudy "Cousin-Kissing Cross-Dresser" Giuliani
Every time I see file footage of this guy on the news, a little part of me thinks the other shoe is getting ready to drop. And when it does, there's gonna be a whole closet collapsing behind him. Married his cousin? Dressed in drag? Cheated on his wife? When it comes out that Bernie Kerik was his pimp, you're all gonna feel very foolish for being scared of this guy!

In conclusion, I have only one question for Larry Craig. When you tapped your foot, then stuck your hand under the wall of the bathroom stall, and only got a badge for a response, why didn't you just ask for a roll of toilet paper?

Immigration Reform as the Civil Rights Act of this Generation

In the early 1960's, the second greatest political drama, after the assassination of President Kennedy, was the push for civil rights in the federal government. After the events of Selma, these actions became much more visible at the national level, and were the definition of a conflict of cultures that would destroy the solid South for Democrats.

In terms of both political consequences and morality, this generation's Civil Rights Act is immigration reform. The GOP is divided sharply on this issue, between the new Republican stronghold of the Southwest "shoot-em-ups" like Duncan Hunter, Tom Tancredo, and that dipstick sheriff Joe Arpaio, and Northeast brain trusts of Heritage and the RNC money machine. It is the perfect opportunity for the Democrats to use two political "negatives" (moral "rights" that are politically detrimental) to make a political "positive".

The Republicans' ability to force Johnson and Humphrey into the forefront of the legislative battle for the Civil Rights Act and Voting Rights Act was masterful. They created exceptions that prevented any new intrusions by the federal government into the North, alleviating any concern they had over the bill. As a result, what was created seemed to be political imposition by the Democrats on the South, despite the consistent efforts of Dixiecrats to stop the legislation. As a result, the GOP gained a new political base in Southern whites without having to give anything up. The Bush, Reagan, and Nixon administrations, and the GOP congressional power over the last 4 decades, is based entirely on the opportunity presented by this one tactic. Democrats did the right thing by passing these measures, but their political arrogance led them to believe they were in the driver's seat until it was too late. LBJ even acknowledged that he believed they were giving the South to the GOP.

We now have the opportunity to accomplish the same thing with George W Bush in office. He's desperate for anything to hang his hat on, and this is the one thing within reach. And passing immigration reform that undermines the image of "guardian at the gate" held by Southwestern Republicans could put Arizona, Oklahoma, Kansas, and districts of Southern California and Texas into play for Democrats, and create a new "solid blue zone" that includes New Mexico, Colorado, Utah, and Montana.

Bush is part of the New England business-intellectual class of Republicans that actually control the GOP's agenda, and only stokes the religious or bigoted tendencies of its base for its ulterior purposes. The GOP, and more importantly Bush, has greater interest in providing his paymasters with the exploitable labor that inflates their profits than he has in scaring people over the "brown threat". If he is made to understand that 2008 is a lost cause, and that this is the one thing he can do for his legacy, he just might bring the votes to the table to make it happen.

What's more, Democrats can rest easy in allowing passage of legislation that hasn't the labor protections they want. Creating a 3 or 4 year sunset on the program can allow them to revisit it with both branches in Dem control, and put in whatever new provisions we want. At this point, they will be providing more protection for a group that is ready to be politically assimilated. New union membership and empowerment, a broader mandate for fixing NAFTA, and the opportunity to expand industry with newly legitimized labor and a working class emboldened to create independent small businesses of their own.

The way to make this happen is by cutting off the funding for the Iraq War. By taking away W's only other hope for a separate room in his library, he will be forced to accept less than ideal terms, and will help the push for this in a way that will give us the political reward of opening up the Southwest. Some would say that this would make him combative, but with his approval ratings, he's already backed into a corner and only seems to understand negotiation from a position of power anyways. Make him get us the votes from the Northeastern GOP, and let our congressional officials resist it on moral grounds.

Over a four-year period, we will have ensured protection for immigrant workers who are better off in the immediate future with anything than they are with nothing. We will be able to fix or withdraw from NAFTA, and we will be able to create a whole new class of business owners in downtrodden industrial areas. And in doing so, we can take away a key region of the GOP's base, because once they find the GOP's rhetoric is empty, they will turn to the hope we provide.

War Mule Cartoon

The GOP knows there's only one candidate who can energize their base for 2008; that's Hillary Clinton. Rove talking her up and down at the same time, Murdoch and his cronies backing her financially, and Kristol sprinkling pixie dust all over her foreign policy agenda are signs. First, she's good for them if she wins, both from a policy standpoint and as a political punching bag. Second, she actually gives them a shot at winning next year.

That Goes Boom #4: The Inevitible Demise of the GOP

The demise of the GOP was inevitible, but since it happened on Rove's watch, why don't we just see if we can drive him insane with the implications of responsibility.

That Goes Boom #3: California Seeks Electoral Irrelevance

For decades, California’s ballot initiative system has been the blind three-legged pet dog of American democracy. It’s cute, and you feel sorry for it, but it walks into walls and glass doors, can’t go where other dogs can, and every once in a while it craps all over itself and embarrasses everyone.

First, it was Prop 13 in 1978. What was supposedly a way to prevent sky-rocketing home values from financially crippling fixed-income and second-generation homeowners, was actually the first step to undermining the fiscal integrity of state governments. Its passage in California led to a taxpayer revolt, nationwide. So now we have deficit-spending as a fact of life, both at federal and state levels. State legislatures now have to choose between begging the voters for a tax increase to simply keep up with inflation, or just raise tuition rates at state schools.

Next, it was Prop 38, an attempt to keep Spanish-speaking voters from being able to vote by printing election materials in English only. This passed, as did the famous Prop 187 to restrict state services form illegal immigrants. Combine these two facts and we know that either; a) Spanish-speaking voters are a statistical irrelevance in the Hispanic population, otherwise they’d have shown up to defend themselves, or b) California is a lot more bigoted than their arrogant criticisms of the South would let on.

And of course, there was the Gubernatorial Recall of 2003 that made California’s electoral system seem more like the bar scene from Star Wars. All year, most of us were just waiting for Obewon to come in and thin the herd.

And that’s just their ballot initiative system at work. They’ve elected two actors to be Governor, one was a snitch during the McCarthy era, and the other’s a philandering Nazi-descendant. They elect car thieves (Darrell Issa), closeted mouthpieces (David Dreier) and the weaker half of Sonny and Cher (Sonny Bono) to represent them in Washington.

They put a guy in charge of San Francisco, the one city where it’s possible for gay rights to be pushed on a national level, who had the political seasoning of a 5th-grader running for student council because he was endorsed by both major parties, and still barely beat the Green Party candidate. Then, instead of being smart and coordinating a gay-marriage movement with people who know what they’re doing, he opens the doors to city hall and holds a costume party outside. By the time the national media had gotten done sensationalizing the issue, Gavin Newsom had personally turned hundreds of thousands of voters across America, many of them religious African-American’s, against the party just in time to help Bush take Ohio in 2004.

Now, California seems to be supportive, and I know it’s over a year away, of splitting their electoral delegates along congressional district votes. That would’ve meant that in 2004, Kerry would’ve gotten 33 votes, and Bush would’ve gotten 22. If you figure a net-gain, for a 10-point win, of 11 electoral votes, California becomes only as important to candidates as Washington, Missouri, or Tennessee. And that’s only if you can win by 10 points. In a close election, California becomes Wyoming.

This is annoying for two reasons. One, California’s obvious arrogance, with Hollywood money pushing socially liberal issues that have politically hurt a message of economic populism and ending the war, is about to screw the entire country on a very regular basis. The only time Californian’s vote together is when a Californian runs for office. I’m sorry, but the two biggest bastards, Nixon and Reagan, in the last half of the 20th century came from California, and I don’t want to know who else they’ve in store for us (please God, no Arnold for President).

Two, they’re going to turn themselves into the electoral equivalent of a bonus round. The fifth-largest economy in the world will be completely ignored by every general-election presidential candidate from that day forward. They had a chance, with Prop 77, to remove gerrymandering from their political process and take a step towards better democracy. They didn’t take it. But now, they think they’re going to make themselves more pure by turning a win in California into a quarter you find on the sidewalk; serendipity, nothing to go out looking for.

To be completely honest, I’d rather have the Democratic Party completely ignore California altogether, and focus on the needs of Middle America. The loudmouth nonsense that the left coast produces reminds of how I feel every time I’m in Boulder, Colorado. Everyone there seems really liberal, what with the pot and promiscuity. But do anything that affects property value or taxes, or show a white girl with a black guy, and suddenly everyone’s turning their Che Gueverra t-shirts inside out and putting up “Musgrave for Governor” signs.

That Goes Boom #2: Jaba the Rove

So Jaba the Rove went on the Sunday talk shows, and Momma Cheney sent him with a grocery list:

1) Put the spotlight on Hillary Clinton; no one will figure that one out.
2) Bring back the underwear Condi left in Russert's dressing room.
3) Blame the 2006 losers for losing; it's not your fault they don't know how to steal an election.
4) Talk up the GOP for 2008. What? Of course you won't sound crazy.
5) Bring back applesauce for W. We ran out when he was feeding his lunch to Yogi and Boo-Boo Saturday morning.

We'll spend the next few days beating up on Karl, the GOP, and how absoFUCKINGlutely stupid they must think we are. We'll go both ways on it, with coherent arguments on the facts, then some exercises in vitriolic name-calling that we'll try to make sound as Dennis Millerish as possible... only relevant, not random.

The Clinton Drag

The last several days have seen alot of talk about Hillary Clinton's viability as the Democratic nominee for president. First, there were questions about whether she'd be a drag on the party. Then, people wondered if her First Lady experience is so important to her image of "being ready" for the White House, why wouldn't the documented evidence of her time there be available until after the election? Then, her attack dog Howard Wolfson blasted Obama's perfectly reasonable, objective, and even-tempered observation on her handicap as a divisive figure in politics, as being negative. What's behind this is much more than meets the eye. Hillary Clinton seems more and more every day like a modern Edward of Caernarvon, the inevitible and benign heir to the throne of a dying and hateful father, with their main qualification being that their spouses could rule. This is the result of our party having been tuned for survival and evasion over the last 40 years, rather than for combat. We've lost our ability to forecast a strategic advantage, and prepare for it. The national polls indicate that our nominees have a slight edge over GOP opponents, but it'll be close. What those polls don't account for is the tremendous malfunction in the conservative machine that gives us this opportunity to exploit a lack of enthusiasm in any GOP candidate.

It is important that we make the most of this opportunity. The Republican brain-trust will eventually find some new social minority to exploit for political gain. If they do this before we’ve established ourselves as the party that can carry poor and working class Americans into the global trade era, they will again rest on fear as their main political motivator.

Hillary is not the best candidate for these conditions. Her nomination and possible election would result in a failure on our part to move our platform into an economically progressive position that can block out right-wing exploitation in the electoral market. The formula is simple. Despite the tone of inevitability around her, she’s not our first choice for principled reasons, and she is the GOP’s for tactical reasons.

She’s not our first choice

In the debates, whenever Obama, Kucinich, or even Edwards and Dodd say something, it gets passionate applause. When Hillary says something, the applause is much more like the applause you give a football player who gets up off the ground after being knocked unconscious. As far as Democrats are concerned, she’s “our most viable candidate”, which isn’t true (I’ll go into why in the next section).

Voters and activists are not inspired by Clinton. The other four I mentioned each have their own corps of volunteers, to varying extents, who truly believe in their candidates. Hillary’s volunteers are more interested in beating the Republicans, and they’re subjugated to her political machine and its interests.

This disempowers and demotivates those grassroots activists brought back from the Nader camp by Dean and the DNC, whose participation has been key to recent state and local Democratic Party transformations. These changes are what made 2006 a big win, instead of just a slight advantage in the House, alone.

What’s more, her policies will shut the door on a public that’s ready to step back into our tent in a big way. Her defense of lobbyists and their effect on governing, her soft neo-con foreign policy (to include her vote to authorize military action in Iraq), her apparent abandonment of national health care as a priority (when it’s ready to make a big electoral impact), and her fundraising methods put her out of touch with activists and voters alike. And a couple of these will hurt with independents, whose focus on the integrity of the political process (as illustrated by the popularity of Perot in ’92). These all hurt the integrity and politics of the Party, both long-term and in 2008.

She is their first choice

Clinton angers the social conservatives, more as a result of her representation of the enemy in the culture wars than anything else. Right now, they’re completely uninspired by their own candidates and continue to search for something that will unify them. Hillary would do that. Even though they’re poised to stay home in 2008, not put out yard signs or go to rallies, thanks to Bush and the destruction of the GOP’s house of cards alliance, she would give them that motivation they need to turn out and work hard against us.

In this climate, we can have our first choice, because all of our candidates are electable (maybe not Mike “I-Wish-I-Were-McGovern-So-Much-It-Makes-Me-Mad” Gravel). That’s because of the fracturing of the GOP through its now evident self-contradiction. Populist economics is the secret to moving poor and working class whites back into our circle. She can’t do that, because her platform won’t be what it needs to be, and because they’ll be tempted to campaign against her. This hurts us all the way down the ticket if they come out to vote against her as the representative of our party.

All of this is illustrated in the recent warming between her and right-wing leadership. Murdoch and Kristol, among others, have found a niche application for Hillary. They get two things out of Hillary; 1) They aren’t in disagreement with her cloaked neo-conservatism on foreign policy, and can live with her winning, but will also be able to bash her to help reunite as an opposition party; 2) they have the chance to put someone relatively benign and agreeable, like Huckabee, in office to stem the impending judgment of the GOP before historians have completed their conviction of Bush. This gives them time to repair the fractures in the GOP.

Hillary Clinton’s nomination would be a costly fumble by our team. It would disincentivize participation in our party by those with the most political and moral resolve, and would provide the GOP with their much-needed dragon to slay. She is the best Republican candidate in the field right now, in that she is the best candidate for the GOP, and we have to treat her that way. To do anything else would leave us open to defeat in 2008 and beyond, in a time when we should be running the score up.

War Mule Cartoon

Hillary's drag on the party.

Thursday we'll go into how many ways she's a drag.

War Mule Cartoon

At least McTragedy has PTSD to blame for his intractability. What's Mittbot's excuse?

"Changing Conditions" First Right Idea Out of POTUS43

In his pre-vacation press conference today, W suggested that we have to change the conditions that lead people to carry out suicide attacks against us. For the first time, he's right.

The conditions that exist in Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Lebanon, and the UAE (you know, the countries that the 9/11 terrorists came from, not Iraq) are repressive governments propped up by American political support in exchange for some regular errand they do for us (suppressing democracy and protecting access to oil are the big ones), and religious distractions promoted by those governments to focus the people's wrath away from them. Unfortunately, it gets focused onto us.

Not that it's incorrect to start there. After all, from the perspective of a revolutionary Saudi citizen, there's no removing the royal family as long as that family is wrapped around our finger. It's easier to convince us to let go beforehand, rather than try cutting through our pinky. I don't think blowing up buildings is the way to do that, but then again, Bin Laden isn't looking to get us to separate from the Saudi's, he's looking for regional revolution with us as the catalyst. So he misguides the revolutionary and desperate about the strategic purpose of their missions.

But I digress. These people become desperate because their home countries have systems that make economic and political freedom seem impossible for the majority of citizens. The Saudi's actually bring in immigrant labor from the east for the oil industry to keep their own people dependant on handouts, instead of economically independent. And in both Egypt and Saudi Arabia, the only way to have a public voice is to be close friends or family with the ruling class and tow the line.

So if W is serious about changing the conditions that foster suicide bombers, he should probably start by reconsidering that arms deal he's looking to make with Saudi Arabia. That's unlikely, so for once we're having a purely academic discussion about something that came out of this administration.

"That Goes Boom!" #1: Operation Iowa Freedom and Saving Privates Romney

During the Viet Nam War, Dick Cheney almost ran out of excuses for draft exemptions. If only his dad had been running for president...

In response to a question from an anti-war activist in Iowa yesterday, MittBot defended the decisions of his five sons not to serve in the military, despite campaigning for a pro-war candidate, "one of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president."

If the standard for national service has been reduced to running around Iowa with a bunch of CPAC yuppies and handing out free balloons and cotton candy at that stupid straw poll, I don't think we'd get another Repubelickin' into uniform.

Everyone Rising at Townhall.com

The Townhall douchebags have run out of creative ways to promote their weakass candidates. Example:

"Gingrich Rising?" is an opinion piece by John McCaslin on Tuesday.
"Romney Rising" is a blog post by Hugh Hewitt later on Tuesday.

The complete lack of imagination on the conservatard side of the fence is a reflection of their lack of enthusiasm in both their real and fantasy candidates. The GOP is so screwed.

Snubbing Sellouts, Not Centrists

The DLC has put out its response to the snub they received from every Democratic presidential candidate who chose not to pander to the Schumer-McAuliffe corporate element of the Party weekend before last. They say to be careful not to dismiss the center, as that's what won the White House for Clinton in 1992 and 1996. But the center did not go to Clinton, it went to Perot. People who care about family economics, the integrity of the political process, and government responsibility voted for the independent. These were all issues and voters that should have belonged to Clinton, but he surrendered this ground in favor of a pro-corporate NAFTA agenda.

Harold Ford, Jr. was a terrific Congressman, and would've been a great Senator. Martin O'Malley is a smart, even if not overly cautious, politician. But what instigated this op-ed was not truth, or the better political interests of the the Party. It was pride, and a sense that they had been handed the reigns of an organization that had made itself insignificant over the last 8 years, that made them reach out with this timid and vague ultimatum.

Ford and O'Malley either do not realize, or do not acknowledge, that what was shunned was not centrism, it was the compromise of values that had lost Democrats two presidential campaigns and made their traditional positions of economic populism, morality, and social justice seem like distant memories. These candidates recognize that it's the activists and the base, and their agenda that will propel them to victory. Not just because it will turn out the Democrats en masse next November, but because it resonates with the independents and Southern and Midwestern working class whites that are now in play thanks to the GOP's incompetence. Even Hillary Clinton, whose campaign chair is sellout McAuliffe himself, realizes that she can be more liberal this cycle without fear of pulling a McGovern.

The New Democrat was not the rule, it was the exception. It could only succeed in the environment it did because Democrats don't operate on faith alone, like Repubelickers do. We need proof and we don't just follow the leader because it's his or her turn, even if they're DLC-annointed. It is time for the Democratic Party to return to its Roosevelt greatness, and that will mean a loss of stature for the DLC and Schumer, unless they want to lead in that direction. Otherwise, this year will not be the last time you guys sit at a big empty table. It's not your fault, Ford and O'Malley, but it is your job if you want to keep it.

Repubelickin' Presidential Candidate Names

So a libertarian, an actor, four schizo's, two bigots, an anorexic, and a total loon are sitting around a BBQ... One of them says, "I'm thinking of running for President." Which one was it?

From this point forward, we will be using nicknames for all of our GOP '08 opponents. Here they are:

Ron Paul- Ron Paul. When nobody knows or cares who you are, despite being right, your real name is a nickname.

Fred Thompson- Foreskinhead. The guy looks like he was taken right out of the wash and folded without so much as a turn on air fluff. When he peels back his forehead skin, you see where he's been hiding Sam Waterston's liberalism, and he hides blackmail photos of his wife to keep her around in the bags under his eyes.

Mitt Romney- MittBott. He's been reprogrammed for national office after his service as a gubernatorialbot.

Rudy Giuliani- Ghouliani. The guy looks like Nosferatu of New York from a bad B-movie.

Sam Brownback- The Desperate Fro. His hair looks like he's trying really hard not to have "the Devil's curly hair" (thanks, Ned Flanders), but the longer he goes with out a comb, the more it curls under just a bit.

John McCain- McTragedy. No explanation needed.

Tom Tancredo- Slim Pickins. He played the B-52 pilot who rode the nuke in on Dr. Strangelove.

Mike Huckabee- Jared. Every time you ask him a policy question, his solution is for everyone to lose weight. Go have a sub sandwich, Mike, and leave me to my trans-fats. They're really not responsible for terrorism.

Tommy Thompson (not pictured)- Fraggle. This guy looks like a muppet washed on hot with bleach. I didn't draw him, because he's so much fun to draw, I want to give him all the room and detail his horrid misfigurement deserves.

Duncan Hunter (not pictured)- Fence Guy. "I built the fence along the border in Southern California" is supposed to carry you to the White House? Shut up, dumbass!

Repubelickin' '08 Strategy: Suicide

Many Repubelicans in the US House and Senate have spent the last 8 months distancing themselves from Bush's Iraq policy. After the 2006 election, that seemed to be a smart move, if you liked your job. The only problem is that GOP upstarts still subscribe to the foreign policy guideline of "kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out." This means they'll have primary challenges from new pro-war punks this Spring.

What could be better than a whole bunch of Repubelicans, who were too chickenshit to stand up for what's right so they did it when it was "safe", getting devoured by a bunch of morons who, if they get a nomination, will be out of touch with 70% of America?

The GOP is going to write the book, over the next decade, on achieving political irrelevance.

Angry Little French Pirate Storms Reporters' Boat

Photojournalists Jim Cole (AP) and Vince DeWitt were treated to the French version of Woody Harrelson on Sunday, when French President Nicolas Sarkozy became enraged at them for doing their job. He had previously issued a request to be left alone, but like an arrogant little Frenchman, he gave it in French and then expected it to be understood in New Hampshire. Fortunately, for our own amusement, some of the reporters didn't get the interpretation until it was too late.

As Sarkozy and his family were riding in a boat on Lake Winnipesaukee, he noticed the two photographers snapping shots of him and his party. He was overcome with Napoleonic rage, and had the boat steered towards the journalists, so that he could jump onto their boat and scream at them up close. Of course, having not understood enough French to get the jist of "leave us alone", the reporters were clueless about the angry spitting and "sacre bleu" half-naked Frenchness now on their boat.

Eventually, one of the women on the boat was coaxed into doing something outside of her 35-hour workweek, and explained in English why Niccy was pissed. It's a good thing she wasn't in a rush to help, because the idea of a little French guy with no shirt on jumping into someone else's boat to scream at them because he forgot to bring an English interpreter with him to America is just too funny. Look at his angry Frenchness. HA!