That Goes Boom #5: Your Trunk Doesn't Go There

In honor of Sen. Larry "Can I Warm That For You" Craig's coming out party, otherwise known as a guilty plea showing up in Roll Call, we're going to go back through the recent sex scandals to undermine the GOP's "Family Values" facade.

The Hard Core Dirties

Ted "Pipe Smokin'" Haggard
Teddy likes pipes. Not only did he go to a gay prostitute, but he smoked meth with him, too. It's hard to do that and maintain your position as a the national leader of a religious group whose uniting political focus is passing judgment on others. As a backer of Amendment 43 in Colorado (to outlaw gay marriage), Ted was apparently concerned that if his male hooker became pregnant, he'd be pressured into marrying him. Amendment 43 was his "out" to keep it casual, I guess.

David "The Hobbyist" Vitters
After doing some research on Johns, I discovered that they like to call themselves "hobbyists". Vitters apparently is one. He was a consistent basher of gays as having been responsible for ruining the institution of marriage. I'm sure none of that 50% divorce rate has anything to do with cheating, or hookers. His phone number came up on the DC madame's list, and he confessed. But when a New Orleans madame handed his ass over to the press, he denied ever using her girls. So after Katrina, he won't even help his home state by pushing the Big Easy's pro lovin'? Talk about abandoning your constituents!

Mark "Time of Your Life" Foley
Had he ever actually achieved his fantasy, the Foley thing would be sooooo not funny. But as it is, we can make fun because the kids who work as pages in the House of Representatives apparently have enough street-smarts not to play "no pants relay racing" down the hallowed halls. Foley's creepy speech on the topic of the page program on the House floor, where he cried a little, is now remembered as the public evidence of what Speaker Dennis Hastert's office was apparently aware of; Mark Foley likes teenage boys. It should be noted that it was also alleged in 1982 that Larry Craig had sex with pages.

Bob "20 Bucks O'Fun" Allen
"I was scared of the guy, so I offered to blow him" is Bob's excuse for soliciting an undercover officer for sex. The cop wasn't even stinging park-trollers, he was hoping to catch a burglar.

Jim "Job Offer" West
Should we speak ill of the dead? Sure. West was the infamous anti-gay mayor of Spokane who offered internships to guys he wanted to screw. He was also alleged to have molested boys as a scout leader in his "young and reckless days". He's dead now, and probably furious that what got him sent to Hell was the molestation, lying, and hate-mongering, not the gay thing.

Duke "Buy Hooker Bonds" Cunningham
We all know Cunningham took bribes from arms manufacturers, like free boats and home purchases at 200% their value. But Duke liked his cherry on top, so the poker games his benefactors set up for him often had hookers for his post-bust liesure.

Jeff "Key at the Front Desk" Gannon
The Talon News guy who had unprecedented access to the Bush White House, including sleepovers, was also a male prostitute. Who was nailing him, in return for all the good press? Rove? McClellan? The twins?

Newt "I Know Where You Can Serve Her" Gingrich
This bastard led the impeachment of Clinton over lying about a BJ. But not only was he a cheater, he actually served his wife with divorce papers while she was hospitalized. Now that's the kind of cold, hard, "national interest" kind of guy the GOP should run for President.

The Softer Side

Lewis "Inmate #28301-016" Libby
The Apprenitice is a book containing scenes of a bear raping a teenage prostitute-to-be, a man wondering if he should screw his freshly killed deer before it cools, and incest. Libby wrote it. Dont' quit your day j.. err, uh, maybe you could go back to school.

Bill "That's What I'm Talkin' About" O'Reilly
Sexual harrasser and author of Those Who Trespass, an adventure of perversion. He's general scum, so it's actually surprising this is it.

Potential Fun

Glenn "Sandman" Murphy, Jr.
The now-former Chairman-elect of the Young Republicans is now TWICE accused of giving unwanted blowjobs to sleeping men. He has resigned, probably realizing that publicity of his habit will make holding all-male sleepovers, his real reason for wanting the job anyways, very difficult.

Jim "Not as Obvious as Foley" Kolbe
This Arizona congressman came out in 1996, after gay rights activists sought to "out" him because of his vote for the DMA. Things went swimmingly for him, considering he was a gay Republican, until the Mark Foley scandal erupted. He claimed to have informed the office supervising the page program of Foley's email activities, but no one can substantiate that. What is substantiated is that he was way too friendly with some of the former pages, especially on a camping trip he took two on in 1996. The DoJ cleared him of any wrongdoing, but then again, he didn't leave any evidence as damning as emails.

Rudy "Cousin-Kissing Cross-Dresser" Giuliani
Every time I see file footage of this guy on the news, a little part of me thinks the other shoe is getting ready to drop. And when it does, there's gonna be a whole closet collapsing behind him. Married his cousin? Dressed in drag? Cheated on his wife? When it comes out that Bernie Kerik was his pimp, you're all gonna feel very foolish for being scared of this guy!

In conclusion, I have only one question for Larry Craig. When you tapped your foot, then stuck your hand under the wall of the bathroom stall, and only got a badge for a response, why didn't you just ask for a roll of toilet paper?