TSA: Dozens of Lighters on Planes not as Dangerous as Dozens of Niccing White People in Line

So the TSA has dropped just one of their retarded bans for air travel. Unfortunately, they picked the least retarded of all of them. I as an occasional smoker, and someone susceptable to anxiety and spontaneous rage when faced with the spectre of having a cross-eyed foreigner, or a obvious alcoholic whose blood-shot eyes give away that he slept in employee parking the night before, size me up to determine if I'm a "threat", love to have access to my cigarettes right after the flight. But I'm willing to wait for that it in the logical order it should be given back. There are some other things that you should feel more comfortable giving back to airline passengers than lighters.



First off, your logic that searching for lighters causes too much delay and is too expensive for its safety payoff applies to just about everything else you do to screen passengers. The same would not be true for their checked baggage, but you still haven't gotten to that, have you? The fact is that it doesn't matter who you let on a plane, any longer. The condition where someone can stand up on a plane with anything less than a gun with lots of bullets and say, "Everything will be fine if you just do as your told," no longer exists. 9/11 was a paradigm shift in many ways, just one of which is how a plane-load of people will react to a wild-eyed nut with a boxcutter. No one will believe him any longer. The next time someone tries to do that, he's going to get his ass kicked and probably be killed, and will be lucky not to be thrown from the plane in mid-flight. So just scan for explosives and weapons, and stop with the third degree you give each passenger, and the no-fly list that keeps a 13-year old soccer player from his tournament because he has the same name as some guy who sent a threatening letter to the National Review.



And can we please stop with the whole ziploc bag, 3 ounce container deal? Every time I fly, there's some girl who's not flown in the last 2 or 3 years who has a giant bag of stuff that has to be dumped out and reorganized, and she ends up drawing the ire of her fellow passengers. This makes no sense, though, because the only reason there's even still a threat is that the Bush administration can't keep it in long enough to finish the job (I'm talking of course about Afghanistan, but many Republican women will assume I know why they're okay with their husbands going to hookers). Our anger should be directed at the administration for wasting world sympathy and backing after 9/11 and converting it to a greater threat.



Also, can I please bring liquid from outside the airport again? I hate paying $9 for a beer because you won't let me bring a water bottle through security (note: an Aquafina bottle full of vodka passes as water just about everywhere but the airport). If I'm a little sauced, I'm much less likely to say degrading, smartass things to your screeners, and much less likely to have a problem with the "authority" of the flying cocktail waitresses.


In the end, there are only two things that can prevent terrorism: 1) Diligent police and intelligence work, done with the cooperation of a public that trusts their government's capacities and intentions and will support their effort, and; 2) a reduction in the supply of angry foreign males who blame their suicidal feelings on America.

So thanks again, TSA, for letting me hang on to my lighter. Now, when I spend the entire flight fretting about the threat posed by all the baggage underneath that wasn't scanned because we've put all of our resources into taking away lighters and making us redistribute and organize our lotions and shampoos, I can put myself at ease with a smoke when I land.